So, it's been a while since I posted anything on here. There are a thousand reasons I can give for that, but none of them even come close to explaining why. I lost interest. For the moment, it's there, but we'll see how long it lasts.
Tonight has been painful. The day was absolutely awesome; every minute in her presence made me smile. Every time her eyes met mine, it was like my whole world spun around her and her alone. They're an absolutely gorgeous shade of grey-blue, crystal clear, so full of life. Her smile makes me catch my breath, with the way her lips turn up at the corners just a little bit more than seems right. Her hair is always amazing, just a slight tinge of red in her glorious mane. Her skin is a lovely shade of cream with a hint of pink, especially when she laughs, which she does a lot when we're together.
How the hell can I do this to myself all the time? How do I always get myself into these situations? People I never imagined would get married are either already married and have kids, or are well on their way. Yet here I stand, alone. It took me 8 years to figure out I still had love to give. Eight years. I haven't been with anyone in that time.
I'm pretty sure about a quarter of the attraction to her I have is that she doesn't really need me. She thinks she does, and I like to let her think that, because it means that I get to enjoy another quarter of the attraction: she's absolutely ridiculously beautiful. Stunning.
There's almost nothing I wouldn't do for her, and she knows it. Yet she doesn't take advantage of that fact, which draws me to her even more. Here's a woman that DOESN'T need me in the way others have in the past. Yes, she has issues, but she's sorting them out herself. She seeks validation in some things, but she lives her own life. She's so involved in so many things, she's barely ever available for anything, but that only makes me want more of her time. I wish that didn't make me sound (and feel) so pathetic.
The other half of the attraction, you ask? She's an amazing, talented, brilliant woman with connections so deep to so many things that I couldn't even fathom, and she has no idea how amazing she really is. I wish I had even a small percentage of the words I would need to explain that to her.
She recently suggested I take up chi kong. During an angelic healing session she did for me, she saw me doing some sort of martial art, and told me that I was very good at it. Very powerful. I want to be seen that way by her. Strong. Powerful. Skilled. Safe.
Desirable.
I'm in the friend zone. Have been since May 3, 2011. Will probably remain there for as long as I know her. She's always going on about manifesting happiness; manifest the things you want, not the things you think might happen. KNOW that the good things you want are coming to you. I tried that with her. It didn't work.
On my way home from dropping her off at her car, a tear came to my eye, and I wiped it away, struggling with my own emotional fractures caused by years of abuse at the hands of my peers. It's so hard sometimes to overcome the decades of self-deprecation, the self-loathing, brought on by being constantly told I'm not good enough, not attractive enough, not smart enough, not cool enough.
Something has to give. Something has to break, to help me settle in my own skin. I can't be what I want to be for her if I'm too busy dodging who I feel like I should be. I need to find something that I'm amazing at, and teach people how to do it. Doesn't matter what it is...
I just want love.
Instead, I get realizations of solitude.
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