There were a host of things I really wanted to write about an hour ago, but it seems that they weren't all that important, as I've forgotten them entirely.
I've been doing laundry for 3 days now. I did two loads on Sunday, 3 loads last night (somehow), and am right now washing the last of the towels. Why so many loads, you ask? I have a small-ish washer. It's not a commercial unit. It doesn't wash 3 stone (42 pounds) of laundry in one go. At most, I can fit about 5kg (11 lbs) in it at any given time. So, I wash lots of small loads. Thankfully, I have a "quick wash" setting that only takes about 30 minutes, and doesn't use all that much water or electricity. The dryer is an amazing device, something that a lot of Brits don't seem to have. It confuses me when I see houses that only have a washer in them; I ask them how they dry their clothes when it's pouring outside. They never answer me. I wonder why...?
My car came back from the dealership today with 4 brand new tires on it. They charged me £32 more than they quoted me, and it quite annoyed me to notice that. For their transgression, they will wait until Saturday to receive the payment for it. I'll argue with them tomorrow. Yes, they drove my car from the dealership to my house, and took the courtesy car (a silver 2010 Boxster S) away. They got only slightly more fuel than they gave me; I made sure I used a lot of it driving all over the place.
I just updated my iPhone to v4.3.4 of iOS. All I know about the update is that it closes that "malicious PDF" loophole that allowed the phone to be jailbroken. Good thing I don't really care about jailbreaking my phone.
I just spent the last hour or so watching the top 10 most viral videos done by commercial passenger airlines. Some of them were absolute garbage, but some of them were also hilarious, touching, or just downright awesome. There was even one in German that I didn't understand at all, until the end. :)
And now, I'm going to bed. It's been a ridiculously long day, and I'm exhausted. G'night.
19 July 2011
18 July 2011
*sigh*
Her birthday is less than a month away. So, I bought her a birthday gift today.
Today was the day she told me she was leaving me for good.
Yeah. I can see the irony in that. But for a fat, good-for-nothing bald slob like me, it's par for the course. Fall for someone, let them break my heart, and watch them walk away with a clear conscience.
After all the stuff I've put myself through to make sure she had everything she needed...helped her with her computer, helped her with her move, helped her plan her trips (none of which I was invited on)...listened to her cry, even though hearing it tore my heart to shreds...
She got everything she ever wanted from me, and nothing that she didn't. I'm the one who went out of my way to make her happy. I'm the one who would bring her coffee, even though it required an extra 20 minutes drive in the morning. I fixed her computer, her network, her laptop - for a smile. I drove her to and from the garage to get her car fixed - just to spend time with her. I hung out with her and her kids, and ENJOYED IT, just to see her face.
I wore my heart on my sleeve, and was not surprised when she crushed it like the pesky insect it was to her...
The tears fall from my face like so much rain...and I drown my sorrows in the bottle of green faerie...out of sight, out of mind. She won't call me again, until she needs something else...
And I'll answer again...because I don't have the heart not to.
:(
Today was the day she told me she was leaving me for good.
Yeah. I can see the irony in that. But for a fat, good-for-nothing bald slob like me, it's par for the course. Fall for someone, let them break my heart, and watch them walk away with a clear conscience.
After all the stuff I've put myself through to make sure she had everything she needed...helped her with her computer, helped her with her move, helped her plan her trips (none of which I was invited on)...listened to her cry, even though hearing it tore my heart to shreds...
She got everything she ever wanted from me, and nothing that she didn't. I'm the one who went out of my way to make her happy. I'm the one who would bring her coffee, even though it required an extra 20 minutes drive in the morning. I fixed her computer, her network, her laptop - for a smile. I drove her to and from the garage to get her car fixed - just to spend time with her. I hung out with her and her kids, and ENJOYED IT, just to see her face.
I wore my heart on my sleeve, and was not surprised when she crushed it like the pesky insect it was to her...
The tears fall from my face like so much rain...and I drown my sorrows in the bottle of green faerie...out of sight, out of mind. She won't call me again, until she needs something else...
And I'll answer again...because I don't have the heart not to.
:(
16 July 2011
Realizations of Solitude
So, it's been a while since I posted anything on here. There are a thousand reasons I can give for that, but none of them even come close to explaining why. I lost interest. For the moment, it's there, but we'll see how long it lasts.
Tonight has been painful. The day was absolutely awesome; every minute in her presence made me smile. Every time her eyes met mine, it was like my whole world spun around her and her alone. They're an absolutely gorgeous shade of grey-blue, crystal clear, so full of life. Her smile makes me catch my breath, with the way her lips turn up at the corners just a little bit more than seems right. Her hair is always amazing, just a slight tinge of red in her glorious mane. Her skin is a lovely shade of cream with a hint of pink, especially when she laughs, which she does a lot when we're together.
How the hell can I do this to myself all the time? How do I always get myself into these situations? People I never imagined would get married are either already married and have kids, or are well on their way. Yet here I stand, alone. It took me 8 years to figure out I still had love to give. Eight years. I haven't been with anyone in that time.
I'm pretty sure about a quarter of the attraction to her I have is that she doesn't really need me. She thinks she does, and I like to let her think that, because it means that I get to enjoy another quarter of the attraction: she's absolutely ridiculously beautiful. Stunning.
There's almost nothing I wouldn't do for her, and she knows it. Yet she doesn't take advantage of that fact, which draws me to her even more. Here's a woman that DOESN'T need me in the way others have in the past. Yes, she has issues, but she's sorting them out herself. She seeks validation in some things, but she lives her own life. She's so involved in so many things, she's barely ever available for anything, but that only makes me want more of her time. I wish that didn't make me sound (and feel) so pathetic.
The other half of the attraction, you ask? She's an amazing, talented, brilliant woman with connections so deep to so many things that I couldn't even fathom, and she has no idea how amazing she really is. I wish I had even a small percentage of the words I would need to explain that to her.
She recently suggested I take up chi kong. During an angelic healing session she did for me, she saw me doing some sort of martial art, and told me that I was very good at it. Very powerful. I want to be seen that way by her. Strong. Powerful. Skilled. Safe.
Desirable.
I'm in the friend zone. Have been since May 3, 2011. Will probably remain there for as long as I know her. She's always going on about manifesting happiness; manifest the things you want, not the things you think might happen. KNOW that the good things you want are coming to you. I tried that with her. It didn't work.
On my way home from dropping her off at her car, a tear came to my eye, and I wiped it away, struggling with my own emotional fractures caused by years of abuse at the hands of my peers. It's so hard sometimes to overcome the decades of self-deprecation, the self-loathing, brought on by being constantly told I'm not good enough, not attractive enough, not smart enough, not cool enough.
Something has to give. Something has to break, to help me settle in my own skin. I can't be what I want to be for her if I'm too busy dodging who I feel like I should be. I need to find something that I'm amazing at, and teach people how to do it. Doesn't matter what it is...
I just want love.
Instead, I get realizations of solitude.
Tonight has been painful. The day was absolutely awesome; every minute in her presence made me smile. Every time her eyes met mine, it was like my whole world spun around her and her alone. They're an absolutely gorgeous shade of grey-blue, crystal clear, so full of life. Her smile makes me catch my breath, with the way her lips turn up at the corners just a little bit more than seems right. Her hair is always amazing, just a slight tinge of red in her glorious mane. Her skin is a lovely shade of cream with a hint of pink, especially when she laughs, which she does a lot when we're together.
How the hell can I do this to myself all the time? How do I always get myself into these situations? People I never imagined would get married are either already married and have kids, or are well on their way. Yet here I stand, alone. It took me 8 years to figure out I still had love to give. Eight years. I haven't been with anyone in that time.
I'm pretty sure about a quarter of the attraction to her I have is that she doesn't really need me. She thinks she does, and I like to let her think that, because it means that I get to enjoy another quarter of the attraction: she's absolutely ridiculously beautiful. Stunning.
There's almost nothing I wouldn't do for her, and she knows it. Yet she doesn't take advantage of that fact, which draws me to her even more. Here's a woman that DOESN'T need me in the way others have in the past. Yes, she has issues, but she's sorting them out herself. She seeks validation in some things, but she lives her own life. She's so involved in so many things, she's barely ever available for anything, but that only makes me want more of her time. I wish that didn't make me sound (and feel) so pathetic.
The other half of the attraction, you ask? She's an amazing, talented, brilliant woman with connections so deep to so many things that I couldn't even fathom, and she has no idea how amazing she really is. I wish I had even a small percentage of the words I would need to explain that to her.
She recently suggested I take up chi kong. During an angelic healing session she did for me, she saw me doing some sort of martial art, and told me that I was very good at it. Very powerful. I want to be seen that way by her. Strong. Powerful. Skilled. Safe.
Desirable.
I'm in the friend zone. Have been since May 3, 2011. Will probably remain there for as long as I know her. She's always going on about manifesting happiness; manifest the things you want, not the things you think might happen. KNOW that the good things you want are coming to you. I tried that with her. It didn't work.
On my way home from dropping her off at her car, a tear came to my eye, and I wiped it away, struggling with my own emotional fractures caused by years of abuse at the hands of my peers. It's so hard sometimes to overcome the decades of self-deprecation, the self-loathing, brought on by being constantly told I'm not good enough, not attractive enough, not smart enough, not cool enough.
Something has to give. Something has to break, to help me settle in my own skin. I can't be what I want to be for her if I'm too busy dodging who I feel like I should be. I need to find something that I'm amazing at, and teach people how to do it. Doesn't matter what it is...
I just want love.
Instead, I get realizations of solitude.
24 May 2011
08 January 2011
Nothing to worry about. The mine rails stop on a sharp upwards incline about a hundred feet down. There's a door made of gold here - in place of a keyhole, you see five red dials arranged in an 'X'. The four outer ones have one notch each. What do you do?
Line up the lines with the center dial, and spin the center one. :) Can't hurt, can it? lol
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